We like to use lines like “you don’t owe anyone anything” to get out of dealing with emotionally charged situations.
Lines like that are designed to validate poor behavior. No, we don’t owe anyone anything. It’s not really about that. The path to finding love shouldn’t be paved with those left scorched and shattered by you. It shouldn’t be about what you can get from someone. Or about temporarily filling the empty side of the bed.
It should be about forming connections and learning from one another. It’s about leaving people better than you found them.
There’s an emotional responsibility that comes with dating. Although some of us will bolt the minute our actions yield less than favorable results. We all know that the search for love comes with a risk. We will hurt each other. Not because we want to but because sometimes two hearts just don’t align. The least we can do is hold space for the people we meet along the way.
We all know what it feels like to get ghosted, left on read or feel the burn of whiplash when someone abruptly changes their mind about us. Yet, we so easily turn around and do it to someone else. Instead of leading with the pain others have caused us, let us lead with love and the understanding that while people may not be for us they still deserve to know that they are every bit as worthy of love as we are.
In a world that teaches us to care less, choose to care more.
All my relationships have played a pivotal role in my life. If you pay attention, everyone that enters your life can teach you something: how we do and don’t want to be treated, the parts of ourselves that still need healing, what we are and aren’t willing to compromise, and so much more if we’re open to growing.
In one particular relationship, I learned how the right people will show you exactly how easy you are to love.
I’d met him on Bumble during a transitional period in my life. I didn’t know if I was staying in San Diego, the city I grew up in and had lived in the past 35 years, or if I was finally taking the leap to explore living in foreign country. The unknown left me open and uncertain of the type of relationship I could pursue during this time period, which led me to swipe on someone I typically wouldn’t have based on what they were looking for: something casual.
Only what developed over the next few months would be one of the most healing relationships I had ever been in. As a self-described Type A person, plans are important to me. And he always had one. As soon as one date was coming to end, he already had another one set up. He’d send me dinner reservations before I could even ask where we were going, so I could look through the menu and pick out what I wanted to eat in advance. A favorite activity of mine. If I casually mentioned a trip I wanted to go on, the next day he’d send me a list of Airbnb options for me to choose from. I felt wanted. And for the first time ever, I felt what it was like to be in a secure relationship.
Aside from always having fun dates lined up, a major piece that set the tone in our time together was his desire to be a better man. He was actively in therapy trying to understand what being a good man, lover and potentially a partner meant. And it showed.
The relationship wasn’t one-sided. He didn’t assume to know what I felt or wanted. He asked. Every step of the way he was the one asking me how I felt about our relationship and what it was that I wanted out of it. I don’t think a man had ever asked me that before. For once, I found myself on the other side of a conversation I was typically forced to initiate. While it was uncomfortable, it created a space where we each could express ourselves without judgment. Knowing where I stood with him created this sense of peace I had never known in any of my relationships. I was able to be excited without the anxiety or stress of having to guess what he was feeling. This also allowed me to stay grounded. I wasn’t consumed with the thoughts of whether I would hear from him again or when I would see him next. I already knew.
A lot of today’s dating anxiety comes from the unknown. Most things will end before they even get started. Often, we’re left with concepts of who we think someone will be and what a relationship with them could potentially look like but most people won’t allow us close enough to fully see who they truly are. We’re left at a high, which more times than not, leaves us wanting more.
With him I got a good view of what a potential relationship would look like. I got to see all the ways we were compatible. Unfortunately, I also realized that a future would not be possible. While our personalities meshed well together, our lifestyles did not. He was a divorcee with two small kids. He also wasn’t quite ready to open up his family to another person. Admittedly, I was someone who never really enjoyed being around children and I wanted someone who could enjoy life without being tied to parental responsibilities. Thus, our relationship worked in the short-term with neither pressuring the other to invest more than we could, but it didn’t have the ingredients needed for anything long-term.
Ending a relationship, no matter its longevity, is never an easy task but when handled with care both party’s can walk away with gratitude instead of resentment weighing heavily on their hearts.
When it was time for us to part ways, we didn’t toss each other aside like disposable containers that no longer held any value. We went to dinner. We shared one last meal together. Laughed together. And we said thank you.
I was thankful for the thoughtful dates, and the deep conversations, and the moments of stillness where we just enjoyed each other’s company. Most of all, I was thankful to meet someone that allowed me to be completely myself because it showed me that there were people out there for me. Even if it wasn’t him.
Everyone that enters our lives affects us one way or another. He helped raise my bar from the hell I had buried it in. He made me realize that the way I wanted to be treated in relationships wasn’t some impossible dream but a reality that could be obtained with the right person. And for that I have nothing but gratitude. It’s been a year since we dated and I am still so thankful for our time together. Every time I start compromising on the things I know are important to me in a relationship, I remember that there are people out there who can meet my needs, and they can do so with ease.
I hope that in a world that teaches us to care less in order to shield ourselves from pain, we choose to bear our hearts instead. I hope that we learn to cherish our connections and leave them better than we found them. And I hope that one day, we all reach for a love that reaches right back.